chakde

2008-02-09T07:51:00.000-08:00

oh the cycle,
the repetition feels its weight about my shoulders.
everytime progression is ready,
the wheel drags my feet apart.
i have not done my part today.

2008-02-05T07:47:00.000-08:00

i realise i can't stop missing you. sometimes isolation leaves you so insecure of company you'd rather be alone. my instability has gotten the better of me tonight, so i shall sleep it off. and remember of His promises.

So we bottled and shelved all our regrets,
Let them ferment and came back to our senses,
Drove back home and slept a few days,
Woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be,

2007-12-09T19:09:00.000-08:00

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him." 1 john 3.

i think it is pretty clear why the world is so lost, how this black hole of "void-ness" within our souls suck the very lives out of us. many might choose to fill it with materials, or wild passions, or even a fantasy world in which they shall forever live in their minds. the world is in dire need of a saviour, they just choose not to recognize it.

thank you Father, for giving me this heart of compassion. i too pray that your Spirit would touch those around me, especially my group of friends in school (or used to be in school haha). reach below this superficial surfaces oh Lord and grab at their hearts, that they might truly be able to understand Your will.

i want to write another song! i'm brimming with words, so i just need a bit more inspiration to tip the glass over. and well, a nice melody and key to go with. i know someone who would dearly love to do this with me, but sadly i need to find time. NS shouldn't be called national service, but "NOOOOOOOO......... sian".

let change then.

2007-11-17T07:48:00.000-08:00

thus begins my 1 month hiatus from institution. its quite ironic that once all the stress is lifted and the burdens shaken off my shoulders, i can't sleep for the simple reason that there's nothing. perhaps this is testament to how IB has ruined us, but i'm not going to start on that anymore.

its over, its over, its over, its over. way to go, when you complete your last day in school by losing your oh-so-favourite tie of redbluegold. i don't really know whether i've come out more ac than ever, but i have to admit the mis-matched species emblazed over our crest has brought out a confidence i would never have displayed if i had been in any other school. we're not proud of our school because of our school spirit, nor our school unity, nor the name that we carry with as we leave. but rather i am proud of what i have become, ac.

but i have this to say about nanhua. i am extremely thankful to God that he put me into that wonderful school. i'll always remember the series of events that led my parents to enroll me there, and i am just amazed to know of the greatness of His plans. i began my ac life resenting my stint in nanhua, because of the culture shock. and how i grudgingly admitted i would have enjoyed my early years so much more within the ac boundaries of junior and primary. yet as i look back now, nanhua instilled moral values that has never really left the students after they are long gone. i look at my ex-primary mates in ac, despite the hypocritical and poorly-valued school we resided in, almost everyone of us remained as we were. a little wilder maybe, a little cruder maybe, but still reminiscent of what we know we were brought up for. i can still see remnants of the nanhua in those from other colleges as well, so perhaps the greater influence has been the one of being nh.

i am extremely proud to be ac. i don't care what other people think or say, you must be a guy to truly understand being ac. i am also extremely proud to have come from nanhua, and i know everyone who has been there can testify to this too. so now primary secondary and jc has ended, therein lies the beginning steps of the greater education we shall behold. next, we learn how to be a man, and then how to be a husband, and finally how to be a father. really i can't wait.

but hold, there's still this month of hiatus. i suppose this month is especially significant. it symbolizes my transition from institution to institution, but it is also the month i shall finally face my demons. i've started cursing again and its getting way too frequent that it warrants heavy self-control. there are things i want to fix, people i want to see and talk to. but that can wait, until what i see as being a christian finally coincides with what God sees me as.

my final question i leave before i go hum around. Psychology or Medicine. Mind over body.

2007-11-08T17:39:00.000-08:00

i realise that my blog is filled with words in praise to God. i suppose that as i blog my worst within, it serves to remind me that all is not lost and there's a way out.

but as i look through again, i realise how hypocritically wrong i've become. hence i'm intending to stop posting my thoughts here, until they are in line with what He is.

i wanna see the broken hearts,
finding hope in God above.
i wanna know i'm doing all i can.
.... i pray to see your love become our cause.

won't stop believing,
you alone are, you alone are God
in You there's freedom....

unseen titles are best viewed alone.

2007-11-06T08:53:00.000-08:00

the most painful thing about the bubble of expectations you blow within yourself, is that when it bursts you realize how bloody heavy it is.

how it weighs on my heart. No, not even you.

2007-11-04T07:32:00.000-08:00

the hope, the change,
the second chance i've gained.

ok. so i've started thinking again tonight. but its quite frequent on sunday nights. oh well.

2007-11-02T06:24:00.000-07:00

i keep thinking that you're referring to me. but i seem to keep assuming. nevertheless, i really thank God for today's bio paper. it feels good to be back in the running for top again, though i'd hardly think i would want it now, considering its really been in His plan all along.

Singing You,
You bring me life,
You bring me hope,
You're all I need.

this exam shall change things. yay for major exams.

2007-10-29T08:28:00.000-07:00

ok, i'm finally looking at dates. i am keeping my mind clear til the 16th. after that, i'll seriously need to talk to someone who actually has the capacity to understand.

in between will be the. exaaaaaaaaaaaams.

2007-10-26T08:47:00.000-07:00

thank you kris mx and yd. i loved the fishing pole and the amazing guitar strap. you guys have given me a reason to be thankful for today.

2007-10-25T09:04:00.000-07:00

thank you ms yang for reminding me how far ahead you are in me in days. thank you john for being the one and only. thank you guys for the gay pink shirt. thank you chesh for your early morning sms.

thank you ryan and cousins. you saved my day.

i don't think the excerpt really ended. rather it'll rewrite itself constantly, shifting the characters until i'll never know who truly died.

2007-10-24T09:37:00.000-07:00

"he lay on the ground twisted in various contortions. blood spurted out of the wound where his heart was and all he could manage were ragged breaths, each getting weaker as the scythe slowly fell. as he lay in my arms, i felt like a morbid spectator, witnessing death in its finest cruelty. i could feel him, that sick devil in his arrayed splendor, ready to take ahold of the soul as it slipped through my fingers. he tried to speak but there was no sound. i looked into his eyes, they were crying out to me, as if there was a great burden he held in him. i willed him back to speak, but the gurgling out of his throat was deafening, nor could i hear anything else other than my own pathetic sobs. as he breathed his last, that one breath seemed to contain a lifetime of regrets. my ears heard nothing, but i listened to the unspoken questions. why did you choose to forget? it suddenly became crystal clear, he had simply lost the will to leave. his heart had not given out but ripped itself apart instead, he had killed himself. the thoughts dissipated along with his dying breath, and as i listened i heard the meaning of life disappear along with his departed soul. there was nothing left to live for, save the faith that protects my soul" - from a book i shall never divulge.

i'll never forget the enchantment of sound, how one man had turned a marigaux into beautiful sounds of music. verily (ha! i'm using verily!) as he blew his encore i'd never heard a better tone that could soothe a mind. i miss the oboe.

today (yesterday) was better. i hope today will be less conspicuous.

2007-10-21T07:23:00.000-07:00

we shall overcome, someday.

today, "someday" felt like an afternote. i don't know who reads this, but i'm in a real desperate need for a tangible someone to understand.

2007-10-18T08:19:00.000-07:00

the good thing about having no tagboard is that it feels like there's nobody to account to when i fade into obscurity.

the only problem is that i'm not supposed to feel that its a good thing.

2007-10-15T05:58:00.001-07:00

suddenly, i'm feeling so alone again.

well, not that i'm complaining still.

2007-10-14T03:38:00.000-07:00

Make this ride as fast as I can
Tonight this road home feels a little longer
I hope you know that you were my best friend
Tonight I said goodbye, but I should have said more
Thanks for the best time of my life.

Come home, I won't forget the times that we had
I'm wishing that you weren't a part of my past

there will come a time when these moments of weakness will be transformed into His perfect power. there will come a time when i can fully appreciate His grace which up to now hasn't felt sufficient enough for me. despite these constant needs to change and the frequent ups and downs, i can't help but feel that my coping mechanism isn't enough to let the feeling pass.

i used to feel that people suffering from depression should just stick in and get it over with. how pathetic to want to think of suicide and how it will solve every problem you have with life, with people, with the world. but all my prejudices fall back upon me, as i realise i am a victim of such a disorder. and now instead of feeling scorn for the suicidees, i now pity them. they simply weren't strong enough to let the feeling pass. people cope differently and i find that each path leads them down further destruction until they wake up and find God.

i now realise too, why i saw the long narrow road before me. oh how long and how straight will i have to walk in Him. last night i had a small taste of what it was like to be in Heaven. though it did not last long - the one in the world was simply too eager to destroy it for me - i appreciate and can finally understand the concept of eternity, and how we could be so happy for that long. so maybe i haven't walked out of this nor do i see a way out, but i know my final destination. and how long it will take to get there. i don't intend to cut it shorter than it really should. so that thought should be enough for tonight.

oh how our relationship has deteriorated to this. but i'm not complaining.

2007-10-02T08:37:00.000-07:00

i don't know what came over me today. it didn't come to me like a shadow out of the night, nor did it force its way through to me. no, it simply settled, as if the grasp its been seeking upon me is finally firm. right now, i know i am fucked.

2007-09-26T09:30:00.001-07:00

I've faced my demons
Wrestled these angels to the ground
And all that I could find
Was a thin line between
All the saints and villains
It was crossed in my own eyes

Someday I'm gonna find it
Wish I knew what I was looking for
Inside the disarray
I woke up this morning
Don’t know where I’m going
But it’s alright
I wouldn't have it any other way

2007-09-25T09:26:00.000-07:00

i would have wished to have physical trouble: poor financial situation or very poor grades, harsh poverty or lower intelligence. but i would not break under these circumstances, who would ask for these?

instead, i am in trouble.

2007-09-24T08:56:00.000-07:00

Hello, good morning, how ya do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new

2007-09-19T06:27:00.000-07:00

oh come on, why must you appear again. not when i've got a bio paper tmr.

2007-09-16T08:27:00.000-07:00

when my heart is hard, break the stone away.
when my heart is cold, warm with the day.
when my heart is lost, lead me on Your way.
Lord let my heart be good soil.

i realise i'll miss you so much karen. i liked the way she kept referring me to stone-breaking when i wrote the first line on the back of the church bulletin. i wonder how she feels leaving the place she's grown up in, leaving her friends for life, and leaving her biggest comfort zone, and stepping into an entirely new world and life. my father once said that people applaud for you when you enter heaven, by those lives you've made a difference, when you've decided to love abit more and to spread your care around a bigger circle. you could see people you've never known clapping hard for you, and they tell you that their lives had turned out better, because of a deed you never knew could have such strong implications. that's the beauty of the plan of His good purpose.

but i also feel that the people who watch you leave also make a difference. each one who is there has made it a point to be present, because in some way or another you're significant in their lives. karen had an amazing 30 plus people there sending her off tonight, and even that is not testament enough to what a great impact she has made in all our lives. we were talking about how we'd want our sending offs be like if we ever left, and i realise that secretly, or not so since i'm writing it out here, i desire significance.

irony. "self-denial is the core of servanthood" time to wake up boy. down pride down!

2007-09-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

Hungry, I come to You for I know You satisfy.
I am empty, but i know Your love does not run dry.
So I wait for You, so I wait for You.

I'm falling on my knees,
Offering all of me.
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for.

Broken, I run to You for Your arms are open wide
I am weary, but I know Your touch restores my life.
so I wait for You, so I wait for You.

thank you brother for keeping it real. so i ask if we were to give up now, why play in the first place? we play to win, we play to overcome, we play to step out of our comfort zones. i remember clearly how the lee danced for vesuvius, and watched his back as he maestro-ed for feste romane. and i tend to think everybody's lives are intertwined and likened to a band. everyone has their scores and a specific purpose to carry out. the tambourine rustles, the tuba empowers and the volcano erupts. we follow only one, and he knows the concert piece inside out, he understands each of our parts as if he designed it himself, and he brings out the music in each of us. and then there are the rubato solos, where those chosen for specific tasks stand in the limelight. suddenly the conductor pauses amidst his graceful dance and you finally feel so alone. you've got no one to guide you and you realise you've got nothing ahead. but right there he watches you and even when you didn't notice before, he's always been there. in the absence, his leadership is so much more poignant and you find yourself playing your very best. your purpose fufilled just as he intended.

each piece is like a life we take on, a different persona, a different mood and atmosphere. but the band remains the same, together we are one. that's why i liken a band to a church. where we amplify God's grace and amazing wonders. and in times where our purpose becomes more evident, the moments preceding them leave us feeling how distant our God is, but He's right there, and in the "absence", his grace is so much more fulfilling.

maybe my life has been one where i feel God has neglected, maybe i'm a person born with no special ability. or maybe i'm hoping for one i do not have. but so many maybes and no definitive. only His promise that everything works for His good purposes reminds me that its all good. at least i'm real with You. (:

2007-09-07T09:25:00.000-07:00

hello des! i have been on a hiatus the past week simply because i haven't been able to be real with anything recently. sure there are times when i've been myself again to a few individuals but often times its easier to keep quiet. its a startling change to what i've always advocated to myself, and i find i don't feel right about it, yet the comfort allows me to slip right back out. so i stopped posting simply because i couldn't be real with my own blog anymore. i can't bring myself to type in short cryptic posts, nor post songs of rant. neither can i share joy for i have none. not being real leaves me very empty. it is especially daunting when just the week before i had been reading about the need for fellowship, perhaps the people i had chosen to open up were simply not compatible. i have to learn to choose the people in my fellowships and integrate a deeper contribution of my heart. chapters may close for some, but i hope to re-open them soon for others.

i have learnt certain things so far, and i realise that when i look back i have found this apparent pull of solitary walks, of which i've continued to ignore with this inherent need for company. perhaps again my barest was for the wrong person, its led to jealousy and envy and i really don't like the way it always happens with the same two persons. but i have learnt, to keep distances despite being myself, that i can't commit to being with people i choose to be with when their level of commitance isn't the same. i suppose its called to love at an arm's length.

i like this blog actually, it isn't like my lj, full of rants and nonsense. i've written certain things here that i like, and most importantly remember. i've made dedications to nobody, and songs of past joy. but i will continue to write of the coming joy i shall have, promised due to me when i've finally understood the power of my God in my life.

i don't think many people understand what chakde means so in a nutshell i shall explain. jamal introduced this tamil term to me years back, which came from the phrase "chakde fateh!". what he told me was that it literally means "get off the bench and dance!" i used this for two reasons, being that it served as a memory of the two i thought could be my bests for life; now we live on amicable greetings and friendly smiles. the other would be what i've wanted to do, to dance for my God. it takes great courage to step up and move to His rhythm and i pray that in time His strength will prevail in my steps. so i found it especially hard to remove this blog and my lj. at least they both will serve as reminders of a chapter i've passed and that i'm moving on.

i feel that i've reached this crossroad, where i know i've passed the first stage of suffering, and its time to choose - to suffer as my God allows it, or to run into heavier suffering. in all honesty i don't know what i am doing now, this post feels very lost even as i write it for i'm utterly confused at my actions and how my relationships have changed. i know i'm built for fellowship, but at this point in time, i don't know if this particular segment should be just me and God. i've learnt not to reject the fellowship just as i need solitary walks. and i've learnt not to forget its just me and God in the company. somehow i must bring them together, and truly understand my purpose. i've got to let Him defeat the temptations, swallow my thoughts and renew my mind. i know all about letting go, but at this point in time i haven't really a clue about what really is there to let go now. this numb?

i think my prelims are going to go to shit, and i'm starting to feel the weight of disappointment on my shoulders. but i can't focus at all, like it doesn't seem to matter to me none. i suppose this post is more than just to break hiatus. i want to declare right here that i want my God back in my life, my sight and my heart. oh Father...

i still secretly hope for company, but the prospect of it terrorizes me further. pray my descent is complete.

2007-08-21T07:09:00.000-07:00

I found the place, caught in open arms
When love's embrace mends a broken heart
Here I will stay for all my days

Draw me closer
Draw me closer

2007-08-18T09:35:00.000-07:00

i've finally realised how illogical it really is, yet i've been trying to make perfect sense.

how flawed i must be right now. how wrong i must be right now. how happy i am that i stand corrected.

2007-08-17T08:45:00.000-07:00

"Then he said to me, "This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the LORD of hosts. Who are you, O great mountain? Before Zerubbabel you shall become a plain. And he shall bring forward the top stone amid shouts of 'Grace, grace to it!'"
Zechariah 4:6-7

likewise, we can call upon the grace of our Father to bless the mountains within us, and not through our might nor our power, but by the Holy Spirit, shall they one day be leveled.

2007-08-17T05:10:00.000-07:00

hello markkyparkky!
(you can be the new spiderman. ain't that too good a dream for you!)
i've edited your blogskin as you've requested and you asked for random so you got it! :D

btw, if guys who are cool don't smoke cause guys who smoke should be smoking hot!

okay, i shall shut up and study before you knock my head and kill my braincells. i just added colour into your life.

bye, JESS.

2007-08-10T09:21:00.001-07:00

the bridge of my nose has been throbbing all day. hmm.

2007-08-09T09:54:00.000-07:00

Lord you are always here with me,
There is no changing God in Thee.
You are the same yesterday and today
and forevermore.

so break my heart for what breaks Yours. its high time i lose this identity and just immerse myself in His plans. i'm just really happy tonight that He's willing to overlook it all, to change this covetous/jealous mind, to remove this anger-filled heart, and rid me of myself. what i've realised is that the greatest test of patience is learning patience itself, to be expectant and just prepared for His call, for only He knows when we are truly ready for His power to manifest in our very lives.

it is true that my mind is still on 4, but being in full confidence that God will remove these inhibitions in due time, i really can't be affected by what He throws at me tonight. haha, i'm just reminded about the last few days, that in my claim that i was about to give up, the devil just throws so many things at me: a forgotten blazer, forgotten keys, burst-fires of anger, a lost phone, memory jolts of you you you and you. all in his desperate throes to remove "about". isn't the power of my God so great that there's nothing to fear. (:

i know you'll read this, and i know that just a week back you've wanted to be back with Him. i really don't know what to say to you, so hang on in Him alright. i wish i could be there but i don't think you'd need it, so i'm praying for you. (:

2007-08-04T10:12:00.000-07:00

there is this shadow cast over me, and i'm afraid i'm to blame.

2007-07-31T09:48:00.000-07:00

even if you still think the worst of me, i'm determined to forget.

even when you're oblivious behind your facade, i will still love you.

you i will hide abit more, before we can finally love as good friends.

and you, i will love, unconditionally.

2007-07-22T08:43:00.000-07:00

You are my freedom, Jesus You're the reason.

no, its my pride that's speaking. its impatient thinking and an unsound mind getting in the way. so i've lost my focus and ranted again, thank God He's pulled me back before i wallow in self-pity once more.

once more i retreat to learn patience, and to face the rest of the demons.

2007-07-20T10:27:00.000-07:00

i really understand how the mind of Christ really works now, and how today would have started off so much better if i had it. so more meditating. i think its really weird how i really had no expectations but still allowed myself to be disappointed. i guess i'm still letting in more than i really should.

but its ok! (:

2007-07-15T09:45:00.000-07:00

i always thought it was because of him that i was feeling this way to her, but there was a great difference when she was gone rather than when he wasn't around. so now i've realised that i've never really escaped the past, until this very moment. i'm not entirely looking forward to the next few weeks, months, but if its neccessary it has to be done.

but what's most important is that my focus is on You, anytime its wrong i know You'll pull me out of this psyche. and i do know that its upon Your Word will i learn what You have in store for me. and the bondages that has to be broken down. so here's to one of the many victories, my God.

2007-07-09T09:34:00.001-07:00

so alone. i have to learn to start appreciating those just around me.

2 chronicles 20:12

2007-07-08T06:20:00.000-07:00

sometimes, when i have to suffer through this emotional retreat, and i have to put on this facade from those closest to me. it puts this distance between myself and them. i must do it, but even so, there is the suffering i still have to go through. and in these times, i find that i miss waking up to your smses, all that discussion about love and philosophy, clouds and chocolate. intellectual stimulation coupled with a friend's touch, nothing else was better then.

2007-07-08T03:21:00.000-07:00

i used to hate my life, how i never had at least one friend whom i could be totally open with, someone whom i knew would have my back no matter what i did, and could return likewise what i could give. i wondered how i had to achieve what i wanted through sheer effort, how i placed so much importance into so many friendships, only to find that they didn't place that much into one with me.

but now i know God knows best. had He allowed me one friend, one situation which i could just attain without an effort, i'd overlook it and take it for granted. i'm slowly understanding a bit more about how my life is gonna be run by Him, how i'm used to put that much effort into others but in the knowledge that friendship comes like that to them, they overlook it. i'm not judging others, but i realise its really what God doesn't want me to be.

i used to wonder what its like to have a comfort zone, now i'm so thankful i don't have one. otherwise, i'd never leave it.

2007-06-26T05:20:00.000-07:00

i should stop coming online so frequently anymore. not when your blog is always the very first site i go to, even before mine. pangs of pain in your posts.

2007-06-23T08:46:00.000-07:00

i realise the only dreams i remember are those that make my life seem better, giving me a false hope that burns my mornings. or those that instill the worst experiences i could ever have. dreaming used to serve as a recognition of sleep, now i hate to do so. i just want the night to be over with.

2007-06-13T08:03:00.000-07:00

mmm.. i've forgotten the beauty of soundtracks. listening to pirates of the caribbean 3, reminds me how uplifting music can be. injections of syncopations and waves of repeated motifs, coupled with 1 minute solos, tear-jerking tracks and familiar characteristic melodies. these are truly expressions of love without words, when we use the air we breathe to make wonders of sound. band ended too early, started too late and left me wanting to be better than i ever could be. mmmm... so i'd spend the rest of my life enjoying it from the audience then.

soundtracks are something else. they create the mood and atmosphere of a scene, they break the lifeless silence, they amplify the wordless messages, and soundtrack musics can almost never hurt. yet, they are the most unappreciated aspect of a movie, people forget about it when they watch the movie, over the hustle of the characters and plot. we can only start showing our appreciation for soundtracks when we listen to them one on one, when our ears are devoted to only the sounds they make. yet, when the actor appears onscreen we forget these soundtracks, who've probably given their very best to produce the loveliest music they can to fulfill their purpose in this movie.

so maybe there are people in this world who are soundtracks, who are forgotten yet vital in the big picture called groups of friends. they need that one on one with people, to keep a communication with them so that they can create better music in others' lives. yet unlike soundtracks, these people have a will, and its human nature to crave an appreciation.

i'm happy i've realised i don't want to be a human soundtrack anymore. rather, i'd be God's soundtrack. its the same really, we still make the best music of our lives, except the human nature part is gone. thank You for the third of the rest, even if i did fall. You picked me up again.

2007-06-10T08:14:00.000-07:00

maybe its because we've all gotten too close as friends, such that the only way to progress would be to cross that line. either we start to place a trust that doesn't befit just-friends status, or we feel that spark of interest. i have a tendency to show that much concern and put in that much effort into relationships with people who mattered to me, that this line arrives much closer. the most amazing thing is that sometimes the other parties don't realise it, and despite being my closest of friends, they do things that hurt me alot right in my face. even now, past good friends make me feel how pathetic i've become in my life. unappreciation in its unadulterated, biased emotive.

i've never had a past i felt was worth remembering. i keep hoping for a more meaningful future, but i can only hope. maybe my life is this pathetic, because of what my father shared about what he learnt during one of his lessons with God. "little is better for you". maybe i'm just supposed to understand this myself, and grow into a life that doesn't need more than what i already have. that maybe i'm just meant to have my only close relationship with my God. nothing more, nothing less.

this is too many maybes for a post. i miss a hell lot of people. i can only hope that someday relationships will be restored. haha. this is too depressing for a end-hiatus post.

2007-03-05T06:57:00.000-08:00

You're the one who gives me shelter
and you're the light that leads me home
you're the love that gave forever
Lord you're all that I know

And all that I am unto you I surrender
Lord there is none like you
And I know that I stand in the arms of forever
Lord there is none like you

There is none like you

With the world upon your shoulders
Lord you gave your life away
if the world I know was over
I know I'd have life in the price You paid

And I will stand and I will worship You forever for all You are
And I will stand and all to you I will surrender I'll worship you forever

2007-02-06T06:10:00.000-08:00

hello everyone, since i already blogged twice in lj. and i feel like adding one more thought. blogspot comes in use once more.

Majesty. Wonderful.
Holy Lord. Emmanuel
Prince of peace.
Righteous one. Sacrifice.
Crowned as King.

Father I adore You
I live each day for you
Jesus I love you
I give my life to you

joy, it slowly comes. but its coming. (:

2007-01-12T00:29:00.000-08:00

just as the world walks by.
He sat down and watched.
waiting to see if who would stop and look at Him.

but the world moved on. anxious
to see what else the world could give to them.
when all they ever needed was to stop.

and i'd bless Your name,
you set me apart in your grace.
a joy that i can't contain
and your Spirit has taken its place,
in me.

take me away.
to a place where your heart is,
and just teach me to say,
that no matter what we do,
You'd love us anyway.

oh take me away,
to the place where you want me,
and just teach me to say,
that no matter what they do,
i'd just love them anyway.

and to you i will pray.

2006-12-19T09:46:00.000-08:00

my brother's taking forever in the toilet.
so while i wait for my turn.
i shall post what's been in my head all china.

Light of the World
You stepped down into darkness
Opened my eyes
Let me see
Beauty that made this heart adore You
Hope of life spent with You

Here I am to worship
Here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that You're my God
You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful to me

King of all days
Oh so highly exalted
Glorious in heaven above
Humbly You came to the earth You created
All for love's sake became poor

I'll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross.

Call upon the name of The Lord and be saved

i haven't been able to spend much time with God this trip, so much things to do and we knock out the minute we get back. so i can't wait for youth camp tmr! refresh! renew! and rediscover!

2006-12-07T07:16:00.000-08:00

beauty for ashes
joy for my pain
you've given me wings to fly again

strength for today
to dance for my sorrows
because of You
because of You

shades of grey turn to colour,
a darkened night turns to day.

hope for my future
a life made brand new
because of You
because of You

chains of fear turn to freedom
silence breaks into new praise

its a new day
its a new day
shadows rise at the glory of the Son

its a new day
its a new day
the past has gone and life has just begun

happy!

2006-11-14T09:46:00.000-08:00

its like a well.
you've stopped falling,
but the opening looks way too small
and far away,
that small circle of light might be harder to get to than before.

2006-10-31T05:06:00.000-08:00

i've entertained livejournal too long.
its ok blogger, you're not neglected.

for those who haven't been watchin my lj, i'm happy again.
and contented with what my life is.
my lj link is up there. satisfy yourselves.

but! that cannot stop emo me!

I don't mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
I don't like illusions I can't see
Them clearly

I don't care no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually
What you'll do

I don't mind…
I don't care…
As long are you're here

Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
And in between it always seems too long
All of a sudden

And I have the skill, yeah I have the will
To breathe you in while I can
However long you stay
Is all that I am

i can still remember what it feels to be like that.
never again.

2006-10-21T10:16:00.000-07:00

your love is amazing, steady and unchanging,
and its deep inside of me, i know now, that its a path i'll take,
a path that only you know where it ends, or passes, or goes through.

walking in the light of the Lord.

2006-10-15T10:57:00.000-07:00

thank you.

2006-10-14T09:17:00.000-07:00

Your love is amazing, steady and unchanging
Your love is a mountain, firm beneath my feet
Your love is a mystery, how you gently lift me
When I am surrounded, your love carries me

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, your love makes me sing
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, your love makes me sing

Your love is surprising, I can feel it rising
All the joy that's growing deep inside of me
Every time I see you, all your goodness shines through
And I can feel this God song, rising up in me

hallelujah oh Lord, because i can sing to you!
hallelujah oh Lord, because i can shout to you!
hallelujah oh Lord, because i can tell others about you!
hallelujah oh Lord, because you love me!
hallelujah oh Lord, because i love you too!
and hallelujah oh Lord, this love makes me sing, to rejoice that others will hear of You soon.

2006-10-11T09:53:00.000-07:00

and once we were a group, happy
and naive, innocent
and playful.
enjoying the fun and play of
the 12th year.

but we split, each to their own.
lives different, meeting new people.
new friends made, new interests found,
a whole new life that didn't include each other.

but still when we met, we were
like that group, happy
and gay. indefinitely
together, like the lives we led for
the last 4 years, never
really did exist at all.

matured, each and everyone.
grown more and more to be the person
God wants us to be. but when we
are together, we remember
each other, for who we really are.
friendship's at its best,
when you know friends don't come
easily like this.

the night of October 10th,
true happiness comes like this.

2006-10-09T07:25:00.000-07:00

2 more hours to a rest for the year. well not unless i do bad enough to get into con camp.

2 more hours, and then i can do whatever i want to do. MUSIC!

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down

Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

its okay.

2006-10-08T06:45:00.000-07:00

my head's real heavy.

my stomach feels like what comes out of my ass, only much more solid.

entropy is high in my mind (omg. i sound like chooi)

at this point in time, i can only do one thing, put my trust in Him that its His plans in what i do tmr. alright. yeah. so off to sleep. before i faint by my com.

2006-10-07T03:49:00.000-07:00

while cell starts, i'm left here clutching my stomach in clear unrest. the newspaper today claims that over 20 people in my school have been caught with this stomach flu/food poisoning. i can't believe that michael and i can be so unlucky to be this few. oh well. i think qz will be joining us soon anyway.

i think emo is part of me now. when i'm not happy, science takes a backseat as literature slowly spews forth. and i've always loved emo acoustic songs. very soon i shall play like an emo acoustic person. haha. but what better way to use this interest in writing songs, and playing it for the joy of our Lord.

if i lay here,
if i just lay here,
would you lie with me,
and just forget the world?

i realise i've been doing this the whole day already. haha. and in my excitement, i shall go blog one more time about my superhero! check it out on Lj.

2006-10-06T08:17:00.000-07:00

after a week, IT LIVES!! IT LIVES!!

my superhero doth awaken from thine deepeth slumber.

finally, music enters my life again. quick turn on the emo acoustic songs!

2006-10-05T08:07:00.000-07:00

I've got sunshine
On a cloudy day.
When it's cold outside,
I've got the month of May.

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl. (My girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl)

I've got so much honey
The bees envy me.
I've got a sweeter song
Than the birds in the trees.

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl. (My girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl)

you should listen to the rockapella version of this song. ask me for it and you'll love the cute cute way its sung. kinda reminds me of the tone rangers. haha. when the trio of us sing this as we stroll down the school corridor, all i can feel is joy of singing happy stuff.

and to make this even happier, i'd change "my girl" to my God!!!

what can make me feel this way?
my God! talking about my God!

2006-10-04T04:41:00.000-07:00

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:30 - 31

i see this verse every monday morning. and its only know do i fully appreciate it. when my mind was about to breakdown. when i'm alone yet again, He's there to lift me up. and i know that nothing should go wrong anymore.

i shall kill that part of my mind. its not a right thought, and i'd believe in love again. God's love.

2006-10-03T08:07:00.000-07:00

and maybe i'll see how much more you won't remember.

my mind's in a turmoil. my whole definition of loving people has to change, because the more time passes. the more discouraged i am that my existence makes any significance to people, particularly in church.

i can see right then. that maybe if i disappear tomorrow, nothing would change.

2006-09-30T09:43:00.000-07:00

thx to a certain girl. some of my links don't work. and the layout looks weirdly disproportionate on IE, let alone firefox. my tagboard's squeezed and hard to see. everything's mismatched.

but on a less criticised note. you did a really great job making me look awfully random in that pic.

what was her name again? ahh yes, i think it started with N. and ended with athalie thery.

thx alot =D

and while i wait for someone to salvage the layout structure, or even better, to teach a template noob on how to improve his template. i'll blog somewhere else. if you thought hard enough, you'd find it.

and somehow, he thought that
the facade, life's all been about it.
and he remembers the phrase
"the time has come, to stand for what we believe in"
then maybe, its time he finally took the mask off.

2006-09-26T08:43:00.000-07:00

if i lay here.
if i just lay here.

would you lie with me, and just forget the world.

2006-09-25T08:09:00.000-07:00

"the greatest thing you'd learn, is to love and be loved in return" -crys

how many times have we loved people, but never ever get the love that we hope others would give back to us? times when we commit ourselves for someone, but sometimes they don't show as if they give it back. or that they don't commit as much as you do. the thing is, this isn't love anymore, its a selfish expectation we have of others, that i do this much for you and you the very same back for me. but. the greatest thing i've learnt, is to love regardless whether we are loved back in return. and trust me, they do love you back in the end.

and the only parallel i could draw was the love God gave us, and yet though so many christians love God, we don't show it. we continue sinning, forgetting Him, getting caught up in selfish desires. How would God feel to have the world spurn His amazing love? much worse than just us. still, He continues to love, and this unconditional love, so amazing it is, that i find that its too much for just me too keep. i gotta share it with others. others who most don't give love too. others who need support at any point in time. or to just people around me.

crys, love as God loves you.
crys, love as you love yourself.
crys, love as much as you can, regardless of reciprocation.

haha. i just realised, that when guys pine for girls. loving a girl wholeheartedly, he never notices the others. but even when he finally lets go, he catches himself looking for others again. haha. such is the dreadful cycle of not being able to wait for the one. and to know that only one is meant for him, while he is meant for only one.

so just wait for God to show her lor.

2006-09-23T09:40:00.000-07:00

and as the facade took over.
the soul yearned.
for something better.

something better,
he already knew what was.
he wanted it.
yet melancholy, he could never deny.

but today. the facade shall fade.
He shall come in again.
he is happy again.

2006-09-20T08:07:00.000-07:00

just what is going wrong??!

2006-09-11T08:11:00.000-07:00

this term's supposed to be different. it always takes a day to get my head right. but i know, that somehow, my purpose in this school will be made known finally.

i'll bring you more than a song.
i'll give my life, so that you might be in others.
look into my heart, and use these hands as you will, lord.
grant me the chance to have favour in their eyes.
that not only will they see a better mark,
but a mark, with God by his side.
always.

and as i pray lord,
you'll show me,
how much i mean to you.
and how much more you want me to do.
the lives you're gonna save,
the people you're gonna enrich,
the world you're gonna subdue.
and my soul delights,
take me deeper, oh lord.

after my promos. i shall write a song for Him.

2006-09-09T09:15:00.000-07:00

i was thinking to myself tonight. with whom could i be transparent with? who knew me as me? who would tolerate my flaws and give a presence when i needed some? who could understand me?

and yet as i kept thinking. reflecting. i found that i missed so many of them already. and i realised too that so many of them came from where i always wanted to leave.

band.

yingda and mingxuan. i think of everyone in the band, you two really took the time to know me, and understand my heart. playing wise, i was by far the worst. the least motivated, the one with the least passion for band music. but you never gave up on me. with all the encouragement i got, only now when you guys have moved and i gone do i realise i miss the time when we could just sit down and talk. i remember mx being that good friend ever since sec 2. and yd a certain confidante and a great person to really have good intellectual talks with. in some aspects, i was never in your league, but you two never made it seem so. and i find that its only the two of you in acsi band, that understood and never judged me when i left. thank you. for you two are my brothers for life anyhow.

and in my 4 years, i formed bonds with others. lenny, you'll never ever see this. haha. and we've been good friends for so long, and even longer as deuts. i'm proud to be your classmate and friend. milton and imran. you two were my good friends for 2 years. people i could laugh with and have fun with for a time. and though life has brought me away from you. we'd always remember each other as omers. that we were once close brothers and confidantes. and i'll always pray, that God will be a close part of your life. thank you brothers.

and there were always the others. jai, jonan, nic chia, justin, bryan, ken koh and lim, zhenghao, darren. despite the pain and hardship we went through for the last year of secondary band, you guys made it memorable, to the very lows and highs of my band life.

and i don't stop here. yibin, haha. you too will never see this, but i am really glad that no matter how funny you seemed to me and others, i saw a mature and very understanding teacher under all the fun. i think you enjoyed my terrorism over the 4 years, and you too let me go with blessings as you saw my ideals and plans. you're gonna rock the world with your reeds.

and i'd never ever forget college, as crys always put it as. shibs, you're the first oboeist i knew that i could relate to almost instantaneously. its like we could get along so well. and its great, because you made my last 3 months finally enjoyable as an oboeist. do college proud. kristen, you're that twin whom i could have laughs and fun with. and i too want to thank you, for all that you've done for me.

ruth (surname) (first chinese name) ling! haha. i think my impression of you hasn't changed since i first met you. what does this mean? it means that you have zero pretense. you are what you are. and i've never met anyone like you at all. its great to really know you because i think you're the 2nd in the acjc band that i can be really myself. and its really great to see God work in your life too. let's strive for an even closer relationship with God.

i saved the best for last. haha. crys. i don't need to say anything. you know what you mean to me. you know me. you've changed me and you've helped me up by being there when no one was there. you're someone who challenges my views and thoughts. you're a sister i'll never ever want to lose. press on for Him sis.

and it pains me somewhat. that when i left, i left them all behind.

or did i? i don't think so.

so if anyone ever asks me, what band did for me the 4 years. i'd say,

band started my love for music in general. and band's given me friendship i would otherwise have never found in my educatory life. i treasure my memories in band.

there's one more really. one more of whom i have the utmost respect for. one more of whom i'll never forget, who shaped certain beliefs in me, and showed me that i can be more than what i am. a sensational leader and a great man. His name is Lee Tian Tee.

DOCTOR Lee Tian Tee.

2006-09-06T08:21:00.000-07:00

His name is hope, for all the earth.

i haven't really been listening to my call. nor heeding my instructions. and it jerked me so awake, when even with my good friends in school, friends i want to bring closer to the Lord, can remind me that i lost my focus.

i found myself in the Jonah predicament. He ran, away from God's commands, and it took a storm, a whale and solitary to bring him back. and as i think about Jonah, i drew a parallel. i found myself hesitant to commit to what God wanted me to do in school. and i ran. storms raged in my heart, swallowed by oversensitivity til i realised, i was alone again. in the dark, He listens. and i understood what it meant to be still and know that He's God.

like milton said, where can we ever draw the line? when can we know that what one person thinks he shares with another person would be the same as what the other person thinks? the only answer i found. was that the line was God. i mean. when can there be a two-way relationship with God in the picture? it just doesn't fit. that's why so many relationships fail, because the couples only thought of each other, never with God in it. and i guess the only way, is to just know that if God wants this girl to be yours, God would tell you. i can safely proclaim the trinity. its the basis of all relationships. you, your girl and God. and i can only recall someone telling me, that this relationship is right when both you and the girl are heading in the same direction, towards a closer relationship with God - together for God.

this one's for milton. if he ever comes here.

and the next lock opened
it was a promise.
a reassurance of
many more to come.
the new has come and the old has gone.
mark, be ready for what's ahead.

remember my voice....

2006-09-04T05:42:00.000-07:00

for one moment when i didn't heed Him. i lost a day of joy. and when i don't turn to Him anymore, i find that the one in 2004 lurks somewhere. the one who was alone and empty.

and the new has come, the old has gone.
and i know He's right beside me. all the way.

At the cross I bow my knee,
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave,
Your glory fills the highest place,
What can separate me now?

and no crys. never will i moan again. He's here.

2006-09-03T20:19:00.000-07:00

there's nothing better.

nothing better than brothers you can count on for life.
brothers you know you'll be seeing for eternity.
brothers you know you can trust, always.
brothers that will bring you further and more.

brothers you can enjoy silence with.
brothers you can enjoy joy with.
brothers you can enjoy pain with.
brothers you can enjoy God's presence with.

and you know,
that no matter what happens
john. jer.
brothers for life.

2006-08-28T09:00:00.000-07:00

i remember.
and i'll not forget.

this need.
to go out to the nations.
and proclaim.

but i'll pray.
that even those who stumble.
or separate themselves.
setting themselves higher.
will come back to Him.

and i'll pray.
that i'll not be one of them too.

2006-08-28T08:41:00.000-07:00

and that guy walks off.

keep walking. and don't come back.

and in his place, the gigantic fire came back.

hallelujah.

2006-08-27T08:59:00.000-07:00

who was that guy?

that guy who listened.
but when he finally wanted to say something.
he found no one able to listen.

who is that guy?

2006-08-26T08:41:00.000-07:00

25 Now Simon Peter stood and warmed himself. Therefore they said to him, “You are not also one of His disciples, are you?”
He denied it and said, “I am not!”
26 One of the servants of the high priest, a relative of him whose ear Peter cut off, said, “Did I not see you in the garden with Him?”
27 Peter then denied again; and immediately a rooster crowed.

15 So when they had eaten breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me more than these?”
He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.”
He said to him, “Feed My lambs.”
16 He said to him again a second time, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?”
He said to Him, “Yes, Lord; You know that I love You.”
He said to him, “Tend My sheep.”
17 He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you love Me?” Peter was grieved because He said to him the third time, “Do you love Me?”
And he said to Him, “Lord, You know all things; You know that I love You.”

2 And suddenly there came a sound from heaven, as of a rushing mighty wind, and it filled the whole house where they were sitting.
3 Then there appeared to them divided tongues, as of fire, and one sat upon each of them.
4 And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance.

i could never imagine how much Jesus went through for us. but even now, i can't ever fathom the power of His love, and His words. Peter sinned three times. and He redeemed Peter three times. and Peter not only reconciled his love. but went out to do the many things for God.

and if Jesus Christ, could do it for Peter, why can't he do it for me? and i know how marvelous it is, that as quickly as i delve back into sin, i am redeemed. that He loved me so much.

that he.
saved me.
redeemed me.
renewed me.
and sent me.

and how i wish i could be the one telling God "Lord you know all things; You know i love You"

and though i have many prayers to say. many things to ask for. many things to hope for. i pray for this one more thing.

send me.
send me.

2006-08-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

i can't find the rest i'm seeking.
i need time alone.
time with You.

or sometimes,
everything else seems too dark.
because the gigantic fire behind you,
is shining brightly.

you just gotta believe.

time alone.

2006-08-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

i can feel a certain fire going out.
its in me, and i fear its my life force.
all the work, all the stress,
and the knowledge that the fun is officially over.
i now fully taste the flavour of ib.

but at this point of low,
i find this little thought ringing at the back of my head.

your fire is a mere flame
it burns out ever so easily
but why do you still shine so bright?
because there's another gigantic one taking its place in you.

haha. i laughed when i wrote this. i'm starting to think simplicity is a good idea after all.

no one that i've ever met,
was quite as much as you.
no one that i've ever met,
could make my heart so true.
and in hope that you'll finally hear,
of the song i'll write for you.

if i could never stop saying
of what i always feel,
i'd write a song,
yeah, i'd write a song for you.

this song goes out to you....

i wrote this mini poem/beginning of a song for tess one year ago. as i searched through my drawer, i went through my memories, and it brought me back to what i intended to play and serenade to her over the phone, or when we could meet again.

memories.

things have changed since then, but what struck me was the simplicity of the love. that you'd do everything, anything for a girl you'd love. even in your free time, you'd write a song for her. she's always on your mind. you'd never stop thinking of her.

haha. maybe God should be a girl. but as much as we can love a mortal, a human with that devotion and one-tracked focus, surely we could do the same for God?

surely. i could do the same for God.

2006-08-11T09:37:00.000-07:00

God works. that's all i can say.

a prayer sent.
a prayer answered.

and to share with people whom i trust.
that no matter what, God works.
just put your faith in it.

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

2006-08-06T08:58:00.000-07:00

everyone loves this song. its love boiled down to devotion, loyalty, courage and its simple enough that its done just because we love Him.

So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

all i am is Yours. all we are is Yours. all You want us to do, we'll do. i don't think i'll find joy so enriching other than serving Him. that even when i feel lost and quiet. that the backdrop seems too lonely. i realise, hey, i'm not alone, God has been the ultimate backdrop for us all, its time to bring Him forward. and i just can't wait for the miracles, the marvels to be done. and to expect to hear His voice.

just reciting this lyrics to myself. i find myself rededicating it over and over again. and i keep having this distinct feeling, that up there He's nodding his head in approval of us all.

oh joy. that i know, He makes my life special. even though it doesn't always seem so. it does.

2006-08-05T10:43:00.000-07:00

its time for my own retreat.

if i can find the time for it.

to rid my mind of stuff, to bring focus to God. and to teach myself to love all.

i need to let go.

2006-08-01T02:39:00.000-07:00

char i hope you read this before i write another post. i went back to my old blog the other day. and lo and behold the post at the bottom of that blog. is my dedication to char when somewhere before or after leaving for chiangmai. and when she reads it. she'll find that what i think of her has never changed. i can only add more and say that without her my rides home will be boring. and i could never find a better mei than her. for there's no other girl i know whom i could place absolute trust in. AND. i also realised that she never did write that dedication to me either! better start getting to it.

daryl recently posted a joke about methodists in his blog. it went like this.

Q: How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We choose not to make a statement of either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb however, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-lived, and tinted; all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence through Jesus Christ.

i found it ridiculous at first, but when i read through it again. it hit me that in the end the methodists never really did change the light bulb. which again reminds me of what everyone wants, to save, to revive, to reach out, but the world just seems to take us away. even the best of friends, who though want to serve whole-hearted can turn negative after carrying the burdens of school life, duty and work for too long.

* there is a space of time here. for i told my dad this joke, and he shared to me that this was a secular thinking. that the devil works by making us displeased with the congregation. with the church, with the service, with friends. and i realised that that almost most of this happened in the space of june-july. that we've wanted to join ws2, felt that the church was not helping, and complaining against friends even though we never really knew the reason. and it makes me ashamed, that i'm part of that joke, that all i do is talk talk talk talk talk. and nothing else never gets down.

but i'm convinced. that the word FATHER, is somethin we always need to treasure. the Father up there watches over me, strengthening me, guiding me, teaching me, filling me, and sending me. the earthly father watches over me, strengthens me, guides me, teaches me, and continually points me to look at my heavenly father.

dad showed me again, that instead of worrying about others, about the church, speaking up in blogs or words that we're worried that the church is not moving, humility is all it takes. to allow the Spirit to lead us, not to tell the Spirit what to do. The Spirit is an entity, a person, He has his own character, that He wants to share his words, his thoughts with us, that we might be led by Him to be a better person, and to make better people.

that's what i want now, the Spirit to lead me by the hand. and that i'd feel the hand holding mine. that i'd feel Him talkin to me at all times. not just as instruction or impressions, but as friends, brothers and family does.

haha. i just thank the Father for fathers. for both make me who i am.

2006-07-27T08:17:00.000-07:00

yes khoongster. we'll hold you to your word.

but more importantly, we'll hold on to His word, for then shall we be grounded, and then will we grow and explode out to reach all.

and i'll stand on the Word
be a light in the World
when Your praises are heard
We'll be singing

yeah. we'll be singing alright

2006-07-26T08:04:00.000-07:00

and to think. that no matter how much i want out. when you're not doing well. i just gotta pull myself back in. in hopes that somehow i could help. and to worry myself away as you slowly piece it all back.

i'm reflecting back to the little exhibition i attended last sunday. are we seriously spoilt for choice. getting a degree doesn't really seem that hard now. but yet. just to join the line of the lifesavers, so much must be sacrificed. your prime. your money. your effort just to earn that doctorate. so that i can go out to save the hearts of this world. that's what i've always wanted to do. save hearts. maybe that's why i want to be a cardiologist. and there's so many options. uk, us. singapore. and with each course/uni/place. opens many other roads to take.

*lol i just realised i'm thinking of this 3 years too early. or 1 if i end up disrupting.*

i've always wanted to get out of singapore. away from this hot and sticky place. find some cool dry place, study and party away. of course more of the first. and maybe find some hot chicks i can hang out with. lol. life of a player. but then again. its just the fact that i can finally do things the way i want to. without the constant need to live up to standards, to have parents curtailing your moves. to be censored and propoganda-ed by the home govt. and go to somewhere free where in a sense. you actually do start anew. with a new identity. a new life.

but i've found a new identity. a new life. and it emerged in the december of 2004. from mark the son of Lim Chwee Hock. to mark, still the son of Lim Chwee Hock, but also a child of the Lord, an heir to the kingdom, and a warrior for Christ. to fight and win back all those lost.

and, during one of our brotherhood sessions. we realised, that in a matter of a few years, its gonna be smaller/broken up. cheryl's leaving. jer's leaving. marcus' leaving. i'm leaving. we all suddenly face this heavy feeling that its gonna end sooner then we expect. but has it all come to naught? i don't think so.

as a brotherhood, we've grown up together. we'll grow inwards together. and we'll explode outwards together. as abide 2, we're stirred, to make music for Him. such service is good and pleasing to Him. and i can't find better people to share this joy with.

and. i have this nagging feeling in my heart. that i'm too be called home, to stay here. for there's so much more to do. so much more to learn. and even more so. i suddenly have this notion. that i know i am to save hearts. but how will i do so? many things are starting to call again. missions.... missions.... medicine... medicine. and i'll pray. that focus and clarity will come soon. and i'll see the path. that path on which i'll take.

but to offer this heart O God,
completely to You.
this hands are Yours, Father.
use them as You will.

and there's so much more. too much more in fact. its just too big for me to comprehend right now.

but still. i think of you. of how much potential you hold in you. that you're holding it all back. and i hope i'll know how to help. and i can only pray that God will continue to uplift you. and that you will be able to see it happening to you.

2006-07-24T05:55:00.000-07:00

to get over incoherent thoughts, would have been daunting to say the least for my past. i could never get rid of them. it was that emo-part of me. when it dwelt into my essence. that mist of depression and unhappiness just seemed to hover around my head all the time.

i found this need to go depend on someone. when i couldn't sleep anymore. and i guess. i'm happy. that i found no one to talk to last night. for only then. did i hit rock bottom. and i stayed there for awhile. sunk in dejectedness and pain.

but i opened my eyes. and found that the rock bottom i hit. was God after all. maybe it was probably a lesson. or what He wanted to tell me. that there wasn't any point depending on people. because they never really did help after all. it only made me feel more vulnerable as i opened myself. like a photo album for all to see. that listless side of me.

that photo album has changed now. i've changed the content. instead people will see the happy side of me. the lame, the nonsensical, the fun aspects of my life. but more importantly, they will see and remember, that this photo album was once wrought with useless information, but is now a testament of what God can do.

He never fails. a simple and unforgettable lesson. but perhaps its the toughest we go through that reminds us of the significance of it all. that nothing ever happens as coincidence. that everything happened for one reason. for the benefit of you. and for the future benefit you will bring on others.

so what can i say?
what can i do?
but offer this Heart O God
completely to You.

i can never imagine how much it took for God to get me here. planning so detailed-ly, just so that i could be saved, sanctified and brought closer to Him. but it is not enough. its our charge as Children to go out into the world.

we'll grow inwards. and once He's filled us, we'll overflow, exploding outwards.

this hands aren't mine.
use them as You will.

2006-07-23T07:56:00.000-07:00

i hate the pain.
i hate the pain.
i hate the pain.
it won't go away.

if you weren't going to do anything about it.
i'd rather you don't come near at all.

and i hate to know.
i was a tool after all.

2006-07-18T05:54:00.000-07:00

all we are is Yours.
all we're living for is all that you are.

how can anyone ever believe in coincidence? its simply too impossible to fathom the consequences if the world was built on coincidence. coincidence is implemented with randomity in mind. if the universe were based on random equations, the outcome will end up the same. random.

random equations, too lead to chaos. so how can anyone ever place anything they cannot explain to exist to be coincidental?

to be creative. does it mean to be merely different? our world loves creativity. people strive to liberate creativity. and i do support it. but does it mean we can expose ourselves to unwholesome chatter, practices which were once deemed taboo and should still be but aren't anymore? then i think we're taking it the wrong way. creativity is the expression of one's inner unbounded self. but if we're to do somethin morally wrong, or unpleasing to Him, for the sake of creativity, are we just showing that our inner self is just that? morally wrong, unpleasing.

sucks to be you.

the world tries to liberate our minds, just like the serpent told eve, that she would know good and evil. she thought she would know more. but instead all she ever learnt was evil.

if it is so, i pray that i don't lose people into such worlds, as they sink deeper.

is creativity and coincidence our new idols?

2006-07-15T09:07:00.000-07:00

and again i go unnoticed.

but nevertheless.
i truly am happier now.

You've answered it all.
from the first to the last.
and now we've all been stirred.

we've come to fill this earth
and subdue it

2006-07-14T09:51:00.000-07:00

stir it up in our hearts Lord
a passion for Your name

and so it has been stirred.

a beginning of the new brotherhood.
growing in so that we can explode out.
we'll fill the earth and subdue it.
this is a revolution

i'm truly happy now.

2006-07-10T07:03:00.000-07:00

stir it up in our hearts Lord
stir it up in our hearts Lord
stir it up in our hearts Lord
a passion for Your name

have you ever been locked out? have you ever been left behind? have you ever have a door shut in your face and you are left wondering how could you ever get the door to open again?

in time material, many walk through the corridor, ignoring and not counting the doors of blessings opened up for them. til they reach the last door, the door with the many locks, and realise it can only be opened from the other side.

who can open that door?

two things happen. the door opens.

or it doesn't.

and you are left wondering how you would ever open the door. but it never will. you realise time doesn't exist anymore. and for time immaterial, you spend eternity regretting it all.

and i think that's what grieves me most. to pass through the door. and look around to find the last doors of many other lives unopened. i can only imagine the pain. the misery. no. its worse than that. its infinite and gone. they have lost the connection forever.

stir it up in our hearts Lord,
a passion for Your name.
and not only that.
to have that fire
that passion.
for the people.

it only starts with us.
but ends with them.

2006-07-05T04:46:00.000-07:00

this is not only a call to worship.
this is not only a call to sing.
but its a desperate plea for revival.

i guess i've always had a ear for music and lyrics after all. i once told someone that i never ever paid attention to the lyrics of songs, that i judged a song merely by its riffs and progression and musicality. but as much emotions it can surround me with, the soul of the song stems from the words themselves.

i posted about this before, and it just came to me again as a i reflect on emo music, rock music, punk music and christian music. the difference is startling, yet so similar. they each represent a love of a different kind. yet this love is directly at other places, which accounts for their differences.
rock brings out a love for the music itself, where you love to riff, to lick, to solo and to just improvise your heart out - you love your work.
punk inplodes your love, keeping it inside, for you think the world hates you and is against you, and the only one you can trust is yourself.
emo, of which i was once part of, is a river spilling forth undam-ed. the water? love, most of the time unrequited. destination? the open sea where it loses its freshness and is dispersed away, wasted. accept this river will dry up one day. no rain will come for the river will not accept it, choosing to be narrow-minded in its outlook.

haven't we realised that in our worldly music, we have given love to things that cannot love us back? and its ever-consuming, always taking, sucking us dry like a prune, emptying us, and filling that void with incoherent thoughts and a hopeless abandon in life. like the river, we are wasted forever.

but through worship. we realise that we don't start by giving love. it begins when God loved us, so he created us. and filled us with that love so great. having our cup overflowing, we have nothing else to give but to reciprocate. return that love, and worship is borne. many people think worship means sacrifice, and they are not wrong. but they worry about what to give or how much. when God already stated so,

God wants only one word, you. not abit of you, but all three letters of you.

after all, we did come from Him. your parents loved you when they made you, so you love them back, by giving your time, your energy in pleasing them and taking care of them when they took care of you. the same applies to Him. but again people ask, how can we love a God we can't see?

"Jesus gave them this answer: "I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does. Yes, to your amazement he will show him even greater things than these. " John 5:19-20

its obvious to see, God loves us and demonstrates his love to us by blessing us, by lifting us up when we are down, by working miracles in our lives, medical miracles, by introducing people passionate for Christ to us. all this is so that we might see what our Father is doing, and we might emulate as the Son did. After all, we are His children.

God did so much for us, he showed so much to us, and its our turn to be thankful, by doing what He does.

Let God introduce you to other backslided or pre-believers, so that others might be influenced by our fire, our passion in You.

I will always remember Ps. Evan's message on Revival. it doesn't just come like that. we have to pray for it. and i don't just mean pray. we must desperately seek it such that we cry out to him, we "groan", not in pain or delect but in joy that we may be filled in Him.

we fast, in hope, that we may be sanctified. yes. that's it. be sanctified. The lyrics for many of the songs in United we Stand have really hit me, it shows me a process in revival and passion to go out to make disciples. first, there's the praise of His power, and the calling to stand for Him. and then there's the sanctification, that we might know Him from the inside out. to realise that God's always with us, that we might continually seek him, that fire will fall down, and God be lifted high.and then we commission ourselves, to go out boldly, for we want the world to know, this is a revolution, and i'll stand on the Word and bear fruit for you.

i thank God, for he has held me strong in my fast, to quit many things, and to change my outlook. i've stumbled before, but He told me to not stop, to persevere on to that Higher calling. i will learn to love all over again. i will learn to speak all over again. i will learn to help all over again. and i will learn to be a fisher of men, that i might bear fruit.

oh, and He says that he prunes vines that He knows will bear fruit, and i can't wait. i can't wait. for more of it to come and make me stronger.

sanctify me oh Father, Send me!

2006-07-01T09:41:00.000-07:00

Father's love, father's love.

same thing to me.
simply uncomparable to anythin in this world.

show me your heart
show me your way
show me your glory.

and as i seek you oh Father,
let your fire fall down on me.
that the world will know,
this is a revolution.

to let them know you from the inside out,
for you are everlasting.
oh yes, never-ending
your light will shine when all else fades.

and i'll stand on the word,
entrusted in Your hands.
to bring You praise.

oh You be lifted high.

2006-07-01T09:38:00.000-07:00

i dreamt.
that i'd be a hero to everyone.
to you, to him, to her, to them, to the family.

i dreamt.
that i'd take you up the skies to soar.

i dreamt.
that i'd be more than anyone could imagine me to be.

and i woke up,
to find that i was dreaming.
yet again.

2006-06-23T10:41:00.000-07:00

once brothers, always brothers.

dudu.
the best ever.
Mr. PT. (haha)
one i'd never forget.

Jamal
the random-est ever.
chakde!
one i'd never lose.

Shen
the musical-est ever.
Our two-man band.
one i'd carry my notes with.

Lew
the hansum-est ever.
our conversations.
one i'd never have qualms talkin with.

best friends come and go.
but once brothers, always brothers.

come, now is the time to worship.
come, now is the time to give your heart.
come.

2006-06-19T09:26:00.000-07:00

the bus rattled on.
bulldozing through the streets, anxious
to unload..

as we seek you. fire fall down.

that which, prompts eyes to look out.
secret affairs, gay world,
workers excelling at their trade. hooking.
and the multitude, bustle of activity
drowns out His still small voice.
grieving His spirit to no ends.

and i,
i saw it all,
i saw the lost and the depths,
the sinner and the sin.
and i,
i saw it all,
left in the bus, like a child
protected in a bubble
watchin the world destroy itself.
what's that? wetness on my cheek.
like drops, drifting torturously slow.
how foolish! to think of me.
when the world was out there.

we want the world to know. this is a revolution

and He, only He!
could do so. and i rejoiced. oh the harvest is ready!
but the labourers are few.

who? who?
who will go take in the harvest?

send me Lord! send me!

the bus rattled on,
bulldozing through the streets, anxious
to unload!
the workers who were to sow and reap.
sow and reap.
sow and reap.
sow and reap.
sow and reap.
sow and reap...

2006-06-16T09:24:00.000-07:00

and in my worry.
my inferiority,
my pointless dejection,

i forgot.
that His hand was on my head tonight.
i felt it, that hand - the vastness of it,
and the joy it brought,
like a boy who's found,
a father's approve.

and with that touch,
Jehovah Raphe,
stood over me -
by his stripes -
took two away.

i now know how much it means,
to have Him by your side.

a change is required.
rags to riches.
follower to the followed.
to be that exemplary one.
so that we might multiply.

my heart and my soul,
i give you control.
consume me from the inside out.

be lifted high.

2006-06-15T09:12:00.000-07:00

friends.
are those who forgive you.
are those who make you feel genuinely loved.
despite the fact that you've left

thank you band.
thank you edmund

friends.
are those who sit in with you.
even when they know,
they'll get bored.

thank you char.

friends.
are those who,
no matter the distance,
no matter the time unspent,
will never be lost.

thank you chesh.

it clicked.
the impression lasted,
and the shadow of doubt
has finally left.

i think i know where my heart is.

be lifted high.

2006-06-14T06:19:00.000-07:00

apprehensive.
a night to remember.
or a night to regret.

haven't i moved on?
i put it down.
pass it on, pass it on.
you don't want it anymore.

maybe.
connection lost - of a world,
i once touched.

friends i loved.
left behind?
no you didn't.
you're meant somewhere else.

maybe.
i'd love it still.
as one of the many,
black heads i saw,
as i once performed

in my life, be lifted high
in my world, be lifted high
in my love, be lifted higher.
higher

2006-06-13T19:20:00.000-07:00

we were created, for the sole purpose of love. we were made to love. we were made to be loved. its not science that made us, its love. simply put. love was the reason this world was made, and love is the only reason why this world still turns. and why it will end.

love is more than a double-edged sword. its more than just passion. to love for passion is foolish. to love in passion is stupidity.

everything comes out of love. joy, peace, anger, hate. it is love that has condemned us to to eternal death, and yet it is love too that saves us from it.

God loved us, that's why he gave us that free choice. to love him back or don't. and through life, i think He taught me some rather important stuff about love.

the attachment theory. love comes through testing.

the only way to let go of your feelings for someone, is to know you failed trying.

you are meant for only one, and only one person is meant for you.

only He knows who's meant for you. why not just ask Him?

to love. is to let go.

love consumes and provides. only when one can balance the consumption and providence can he truly know how to love.

i had to write them down before i forgot them.

as long as she is happy. i think i'll be fine.

2006-06-05T08:17:00.000-07:00

Everlasting
Your light will shine when else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring you praise
From the inside out

to praise him there and then.
nothing could ever compare.
even when i don't belong.
He just makes it right again.
even when i'm lost.
He just makes it right again.
even when i know you people don't see it.
He just makes it right again.
even when i cower in fear.
He just makes it right again.
even when i feel unappreciated.
He appreciates.
and no matter how much my self-starved heart cries out
He satisfies.
and its good enough.

2006-06-01T00:40:00.000-07:00

in conjunction with the earlier post. just whack.

in the past 20 minutes.
everything i had just done could only be from God.
it went totally against my heart and mind.
and i thank Him. for that courage.

a sleepless night ensues.

2006-06-01T00:35:00.000-07:00

when the tags on your tagboard get short and minimal. you know its time to blog.

i've been confronted by that door. the door with many locks. when i turn around i've realised that i've walked a long way, through the corridor of time, passing through many doors all of which i've realised again that without Him they wouldn't be opened. i see myself walking through them again. past the very first set of doors. its a choice, "DEATH" and "LIFE". simply put, yet many never get past that first set. they miss the blessings and the many other doors they go through to a path of eternal happiness. and when the time comes to choose. they realise that the door called "LIFE" disappears. and they are stuck with that one door. the door leading to nothing. and they find they have wasted everything. their lives. and they have eternity to regret.

and as i passed through.
gates they say.
i saw.
i couldn't do it without Him.
the doors wouldn't open themselves.
only the one behind it would open it.

and as i saw that last door at the end.
the many locks.
the daunting size.

He said,
each lock opened
is my gift to you.

and i gave my 100% that night.

i'm rather happy with my term 2. He's blessings. are just too marvelous.

i've developed a new way of listening to Him. its like totally expecting Him to come and talk to me. just whack as theo likes to put it. if God says turn left. i turn left. if He says stop. i stop.

there. i didn't know it was as easy as that. but it is. and anyone can do it.

just whack.