Friday, September 07, 2007
hello des! i have been on a hiatus the past week simply because i haven't been able to be real with anything recently. sure there are times when i've been myself again to a few individuals but often times its easier to keep quiet. its a startling change to what i've always advocated to myself, and i find i don't feel right about it, yet the comfort allows me to slip right back out. so i stopped posting simply because i couldn't be real with my own blog anymore. i can't bring myself to type in short cryptic posts, nor post songs of rant. neither can i share joy for i have none. not being real leaves me very empty. it is especially daunting when just the week before i had been reading about the need for fellowship, perhaps the people i had chosen to open up were simply not compatible. i have to learn to choose the people in my fellowships and integrate a deeper contribution of my heart. chapters may close for some, but i hope to re-open them soon for others.
i have learnt certain things so far, and i realise that when i look back i have found this apparent pull of solitary walks, of which i've continued to ignore with this inherent need for company. perhaps again my barest was for the wrong person, its led to jealousy and envy and i really don't like the way it always happens with the same two persons. but i have learnt, to keep distances despite being myself, that i can't commit to being with people i choose to be with when their level of commitance isn't the same. i suppose its called to love at an arm's length.
i like this blog actually, it isn't like my lj, full of rants and nonsense. i've written certain things here that i like, and most importantly remember. i've made dedications to nobody, and songs of past joy. but i will continue to write of the coming joy i shall have, promised due to me when i've finally understood the power of my God in my life.
i don't think many people understand what chakde means so in a nutshell i shall explain. jamal introduced this tamil term to me years back, which came from the phrase "chakde fateh!". what he told me was that it literally means "get off the bench and dance!" i used this for two reasons, being that it served as a memory of the two i thought could be my bests for life; now we live on amicable greetings and friendly smiles. the other would be what i've wanted to do, to dance for my God. it takes great courage to step up and move to His rhythm and i pray that in time His strength will prevail in my steps. so i found it especially hard to remove this blog and my lj. at least they both will serve as reminders of a chapter i've passed and that i'm moving on.
i feel that i've reached this crossroad, where i know i've passed the first stage of suffering, and its time to choose - to suffer as my God allows it, or to run into heavier suffering. in all honesty i don't know what i am doing now, this post feels very lost even as i write it for i'm utterly confused at my actions and how my relationships have changed. i know i'm built for fellowship, but at this point in time, i don't know if this particular segment should be just me and God. i've learnt not to reject the fellowship just as i need solitary walks. and i've learnt not to forget its just me and God in the company. somehow i must bring them together, and truly understand my purpose. i've got to let Him defeat the temptations, swallow my thoughts and renew my mind. i know all about letting go, but at this point in time i haven't really a clue about what really is there to let go now. this numb?
i think my prelims are going to go to shit, and i'm starting to feel the weight of disappointment on my shoulders. but i can't focus at all, like it doesn't seem to matter to me none. i suppose this post is more than just to break hiatus. i want to declare right here that i want my God back in my life, my sight and my heart. oh Father...
i still secretly hope for company, but the prospect of it terrorizes me further. pray my descent is complete.
convicted by Your spirit, led by Your word
9:25 AM
